Trusting His Heart

It's now close to two months since we lost our little loves. It feels so strange to say that. The grieving isn't nearly as intense as it was during that first month, but it still sneaks up on our new-ordinary days. A couple weeks ago, I made the mistake of calculating how far along I would have been. 20 weeks. Halfway done. It was hard to imagine, and was quite simply a foolish and unhelpful thing to do to myself. Ugly cries all over the place. I've really had to guard against the what-if's and could've beens because they're empty from the start, and serve no good purpose.

Something that has been made plain after experiencing such a deep loss, is that fact that we aren't in control. I took my vitamins, I did prenatal yoga, I ate natural, home grown, organic, raised with care, blah-blah-blah etc... I did everything I was supposed to do for a healthy result. This isn't to say we shouldn't do our best with whatever we're given to do or care for. But whatever illusions I had of keeping things in order, and events or circumstances turning out a certain way based on what I did or didn't do, have been completely stripped bare. As much as I'd like to think I control how things may turn out, I just don't. I'm not in control. You're not in control. Our lives and journeys are entirely in God's hands. And that's okay, because as Charles Spurgeon wrote: "God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.” What my family has gone through is not a mistake, and our loss will not be wasted. He is good, and I trust His heart.

Something else I've been learning is the importance of telling myself the truth. In those first days and weeks of intense grief, I knew the truth, but had to keep repeating it to myself. Because there were moments I just didn't feel it. The truth that God is good, that He comforts us like a father does His child, that sorrow may last for a night but joy comes in the morning, that we will suffer and have tribulation, but it produces perseverance and character and hope...and on and on, were what I repeated to myself. I felt so hollowed out for a while, but eventually, those truths began to fill me up, and take on deeper root. What a rich thing to take our grief and heartache to God's word, beat on it with all that we have, and find that it remains unmoved. It's the real deal, y'all.

If you find yourself with questions, hurts, wounds, or a struggling faith, go to the Lord and His word. He can take whatever you may throw at Him. You won't scare Him with your mess. I promise. What a comfort it is to know Him as solid, rich, and full of truth and substance when so much our time is attempted to be robbed by the red cup controversy menial. For those of you who know the truth, but may not really feel it in the moment, keep preaching the Gospel to yourself. We need to hear it daily, and be reminded that whatever we face in this life, we can trust His heart.