Another(?!) Wild Hair

A week or two before my crazy rag curling encounter, I was experiencing what might be best described as having a case of bag-lady hair. In the event that you're not familiar with what I'm talking about, let me offer a definition.

Definition of Bag-lady hair: "Dry, ratty, and lifeless hair; having no moisture or controllable body whatsoever; hair devoid of any hint of sexiness or appeal."

In case you still don't understand, here is the picture that went along with the definition:


Scary, huh?

Hoping to catch Andrew before he decided that head-coverings were mandated somewhere in the Bible, I knew I'd need to act fast. As any woman with herbal-remedy tendencies would do, I immediately began researching what kind of concoction would cure my condition. Would it be some ever faithful coconut oil? Maybe a touch of tree sap mixed with a bit of dirt? Or perhaps a dose of cod liver oil applied at midnight while balancing a chicken on my head?

The solution came to me in the form of a premixed powder purchased from an online herb supplier. It took two days to ship so I had to keep my head low until it arrived. Meals by candlelight provided the perfect excuse for my head not to be entirely visible to my husband. That is until I could bring sexy back. **Cue the music, Justin.*

After what seemed like waiting an eternity, the mailman pulled up to our box, stepped outside of his truck and was met by yours truly at our front door. He seemed like a nice man, but awfully quiet and with big eyes. Looking back, it was probably my hair that stunned the poor man into silence. Little did I know that this would be the first of a series of times I'd scare people approaching our stoop.

As with nearly any project I set out on, I had to wait until Olivia went down for her nap before I could begin. A few seconds after she was tucked in and had her sweet cheeks lovingly patted, I was off to the kitchen. I felt like a scientist as I read the detailed instructions and carefully mixed my concoction. A big scoop of the green powder, two chicken eggs (surely the fact that they were still warm from the hen would add an extra punch!), and yes, a bit of coconut oil, all mixed in and warmed to perfection. Things were looking good...until I took a deep breath. There was a very good reason a review kindly suggested doing this treatment when your husband was out of the house. Once the green powder hit liquid, a potent grassy aroma began bubbling up from the pot. And they expect me to put this on my head?!



Once the brew finished simmering, I bravely marched into our bathroom with my supplies in tow. Pot of bubbling goo...check! Application spatula...check! Clear plastic produce bag...check! Used and abused old towel...check! I was ready. I stood before the bathroom mirror thinking about what I was about to do. After a deep breath, I took the plunge.



Smearing my fair hair with green mud seemed extremely counter intuitive. However, I am rather trusting of a good herbal remedy when I find one, so I continued smearing until my head looked like this:



I am pretty sure it was after this point that I shot Andrew a text to make sure he wouldn't be coming home early that evening. The instructions said to slip the plastic bag over my head (kids, don't try this at home!), wrap it in a warm towel and let it ruminate for 45 minutes to an hour. Fortunately for me, though my husband figured I was up to something, he didn't question when I explained that I was simply making sure he wouldn't be home to find a plastic bag on my head. Oh how I love that man!

With an hour on my hands, and yes, I assumed it would definitely take a full hour to achieve super sexy hair, I figured I'd have a cup of tea and catch up on some housework. I won't even tell you what the chickens said when I went to collect eggs.



Once the allotted time was up, I jumped into the shower to rinse away stench the near equivalent of horse manure and release the gorgeous hair I had wandered so far from. It took a good bit of picking through with a hair brush before the green goo released itself and washed down the drain. A lot of rinsing, followed by drying, a touch of curling and a bobby pin for the bangs produced a nearly new head! My hair felt soft, sleek, and all those other cheesy adjectives they use in hair commercials. I had enough time to lip-sync the first and only line I know of "I'm Bringin' Sexy Back" while slapping on a little make-up...just in time for Olivia to wake up.

Being bald and having a touch of hair-envy, she immediately noticed Mommy's pretty hair and gave it her highest level of approval (by attempting to eat it). Desiring to maintain the level of shine for when Andrew arrived home, I diverted her attention to a toy as well as saved her from experiencing the residual taste of green horse poopy.

I still have enough powder for a few more applications (which I'm sure I'll need this winter!), so if you're ever in the neighborhood and want to give it a whirl, we can have a cup of tea while your head steeps. I promise not to laugh at you. Maybe.